no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
