ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
