I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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