i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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