I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
