Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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