rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
