if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
