I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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