sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She bit a glass in half.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
