I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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