Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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