No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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