I will die if light touches me.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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