Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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