my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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