how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
