I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
