And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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