I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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