And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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