You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
