my phone needs a breathalizer
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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