he wants to bone in the snuggie
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
