we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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