yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
