Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
