You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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