oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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