thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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