why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
