You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
