It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
