hotel room ftw
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
