The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
