to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
