Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
