My Higher Power is John Stamos
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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