I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
