i would punch a child for taco bell
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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