when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
