oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
