i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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