My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
