Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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