I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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