Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
false alarm, still single
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