saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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