If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
