Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
