She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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