I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
